"You aren't using your God-given talents. You aren't doing what you can do best."And then I woke up one morning to the stark and unavoidable realization that it was WEDNESDAY.
It wasn't actually Wednesday, it was Monday by the calendar that particular morning. This Wednesday wasn't governed by the normal constraints of our clock time either, it lasted about three years. They say, whoever THEY are, that you should write what you know. THIS is what I know.
Some years ago, as part of my work with an anti-racist community, I was a co-facilitator for a week-long training. While finishing up our outline and training materials, one of the older (and wiser) members of the community remarked, "Ok, I think we have everything, but then there is Wednesday." She must have seen the look on my face, because before I could ask, "What's Wednesday?" she was explaining that Wednesday is the day all our training plans fall apart. Having never been a trainer for a workshop of this length before, I asked my co-trainer Dody what we'll do then. She quietly and patiently replied "It's when they all revolt. There is nothing we can outline for that. You just need to go with it when it happens." I know, at the time, I did not grasp that it wasn't IF it comes apart, but rather WHEN.
In the initial stages of the training the participants soaked it up like a sponge, but on Thursday morning everything seemed to come unglued. The participants turned on us. They began to push-back, attack us, and question everything we said. I was stunned. It had all gone so well, according to plan. I couldn't imagine that they didn't GET IT. I couldn't imagine that I didn't GET IT. Dody passed me a small piece of paper which read, "THIS is Wednesday." That little note, now yellowed with age, has remained on my home office bulletin board where I placed it before I climbed, exhausted, into bed that night. I always thought it would serve as a reminder for future training workshops. Little did I realize then how that tiny slip of paper would become a metaphor for what happens in life, or at least what has happened in my life.
I left high school with my life outline and my folder full of "training" materials tucked under my arm. There was the Wednesday when I was sexually assaulted my first month in college, the Wednesday in my 28th year when my father died, the three Wednesdays when our house was flooded, the Wednesdays I was laid off, the Wednesday my only sister was diagnosed with cancer and a host of smaller Wednesdays until finally, the BIG Wednesday when my business failed. At a time in my life when many of my friends are ready to retire, there I am on Wednesday searching for a job. While those around me are talking about where they'll travel now that they've retired I am deep in debt on a Wednesday.
So my plans didn't work out and every time, I am stunned. I kept going back to that folder of "training materials." But the night I went to my office to find that my key would not work in the door, I sunk down on the porch steps and wept. I climbed into my bed that night, exhausted. When the sun came up the next morning I knew it was WEDNESDAY again. This one lasted for years.
Finally it began to dawn on me that the other side of Dody's note was BLANK. I remembered her calm voice saying, "You can't plan for it. You just have to roll with it when it comes." We survived that training all those years go as did the participants. Some of us came out stronger than ever before. I've chucked that yellowed "life outline" and the folder full of battered "training materials" in the recycle bin and shredded the confidential stuff. I just need to roll with it. I've stopped worrying that I don't know what I'm going to be when I grow up. I have promised myself that I will no longer cringe when someone asks, "What kind of job are you looking for?"
I'm going to follow the leadings of my heart. I am going to listen to that little voice inside that says:
"Be still and know that I am God. Do not be afraid. Do not wait. Use your talent. Do what you do best. It doesn't matter that it took you decades. It doesn't matter that you are in debt. It only matters that you begin NOW. Remember Wednesday, but write your own story on the blank side."
